Therapeudic, yes?

So wow that first blog post was a doozy. I can say I am much happier now that in the first month or so that I left. Granted I had a job then which was much better than NOT having one like now. But I do have someone who loves me and a house that is not my own but I pay rent for. Better than living off friends' couches and frozen taquidoes. The hardest part for me about divorce isn't the jobgetting. Though that sucks emmensely since there are few jobs and I have 0 skills other than childrearing and housewifery, but the letting go of responsibility for my child when she's with her father. The anxiety over is she eating properly, going to bed on time, seeing things she shouldn't at her age or getting the attention she needs. Up until now I have been ultimatly responsible for all of these things, therefore knowing what goes into her mouth and mind. Now I have to let go and hope that she's ok when she's out of my sight. Part of it is the maternal thing, but mostly it is I admit, a control issue. I like to be able to plan and know what's going on with my family and life so to plan for all possibilities I can. It's something I've had to work on all my adult life, this control anxiety. I hate not knowing whats going to happen. I fear the unknown.

Diary of a divorcee(1):Capt. Obvious

This Blog is suppossed to be a therapudic release for me. SOmewhere to get out my thoughts on this process without judgement or railing on and on to my friends who i'm sure have heard more than enough. What with the stalking and other crziness I've been through.
SO I'm not completely exactly divorced yet. There's the technical court stuff to wait for. Not anything that I can do to change/speed up that process. One thing I did learn from my process is to do it your damn self. Don't wait on the good graces of your ex partner. Especially if (s)he is anything like mine. I mean Christ I waited months on end for him to pick up socks off the floor, and I had to file his taxes or else they'd be late. Why did I really think I wouldn't be waiting on him for this. It took him three months of my saying "We're done" and " I'm through" for him to realize I was done and we WERE through. He had to "make" me say I want a divorce before he'd leave it alone. What crushes the soul is that he had the gall, even after all that to beg me to stay, and to say" We can separate but stay in the same house." It's not separate if you are together and its not together if you're still txting some girl behind my back when I caught you at it already.
I mean does it really matter semantically what words I say if they convey the meaning? I'd wager a guess that if under the duress of just finding out that your partner was word fucking some girl while You're in a sickbed You'd have a pain at saying a thing as brutal as " I want a divorce" after 11 years together. "I want to cut your throat out" seems a more likely choice of words in that circumstance. I always swore that if I had a change of heart I'd be mature and say "Hey, we're just not working out." And I did, I got a job at a strip club waitressing to save money to leave. A soul sucking degrading as hell job so that I Ironically could keep MY dignity and not tolerate the one thing I cannot tolerate. It happened in may, I did not leave until january 16th. I had to formulate a plan of action, I had one child by him and custody of my 11 yr. old brother. I couldnt just up and leave and live in my car with two kids.
I was a housewife for all of those 11 yrs. no job, never the right time for it, not a good enough job, not what he wanted me to do or the hrs. didn't work for him. A gilded cage if you will. I got married right out of high school, something that even then I begged other girls to never do. i knew it was a bad move, but I had a child with him and things were according to him going to work out just fine. And they did, for him. This girl was not the first or the first of our problems by any means. But it was my last straw.