Big girls do cry

I miss my daughter. I miss the structure I used to have. I knew my life and the things I would do each day. There were not many surprises, I knew when to pay bills and that we would inevitably come up short at the end of the month. I knew that I would be miserable, but fed and that I would be with my children and I could read them bedtime stories or stay up late watching movies and eating popcorn. I knew that my Husband would not be there emotionally, or mentally. Possibly physically if he hadnt taken too far over his allotted medication and ended up in the bed asleep. I dont regret leaving, I regret not enjoying the time I had with my kids as much as I feel I should have. Now that chance is gone with My daughter. Now when I briefly see her I want to do nothing more than scoop her into my arms and hold her the whole time she is with me. I don't want to go back to my ex, but I crave the security of a sructured enviroment. I don't have that right now because I am scared. I am on my own, trying to make it. My car is dead and going to cost my twice what it's worth to fix, but I have no choice. I need my car to work, to eat, to pay rent. I need a job so I can feel like I am accomplishing something and to show my new guy that I can make it, that I am the strong woman he thinks I am. But inside I dont feel strong, I avoid doing things I know I need to do like getting medicaid and foodstamps because I am ashamed. I was so proud that I was finally off assistance when I got married. I had lived on welfare since I can remember, my mother was disabled and couldnt keep a job with her illnesses. I remember the shame I felt having to go apply even as a child. I don't want to feel that. my pride is eating into my budget, and I need to suck it up. But on top of that I haven't found my licence which I lost on my last trip to see my Bf's parents, I need it to do anything here I need to do. And with my car shit out on me i cant go get a new one since BF needs his car to work since it's raining too much to use the motorcycle. I just feel stuck in a whirlpool of shit right now. I feel like I don't wannt to move, I just want to curl up and cry into my pillow. But i know nothing will get done if I do that. I have to push back, even though Im tired, and depressed I have to find the strenght to push forward. Even though I ache to see my Daughter, I need to do the things I have to do to make the rest of my days hold together when she's not here.

With children

Divorce is always a bitter pill to swallow. You made a life with some one. Someone whom you cared deeply for at one time and took vows to be together, then something or a series of somethings changed all that.It's even harder with kids involved. once everything is said and done in court it gets a bit easier since there are schedules and days and structure that all parties have to follow. Before all that however it's tough. Especially when the other party uses your child as a bargaining chip or a tool to get back at you or dig under your skin. It's wrong and juvenile and sadly quite common, even in ex couples who swore they'd never do that to each other. What can we do in these circumstances? Honestly I don't know. I try to keep one foot forward and my head up. Knowing that my daughter doesn't truly hate me, that she does want to see me. Every time I see her and have visits I make the best of them and ignore the hurt when I have to give her back. But It still does get under my skin when he lies and says she doesn't want to call, or see me. Even though I talk to her and she always seems thrilled when she does get to talk. We just have to keep going. push the hurt away and know confidently that its just a lie to cause pain. And also to know that one day our children will be grown ups themselves and will see the right and wrong. They will make their own conscious choice whether and when to see us. And of course that one thing all parents must learn: patcience