bad taste?

Am I just a poor judge of character or what? Maybe I just have too much of a pollyanna mentality when it comes to men. They promise the moon and I plan what color I'm going to paint the craters, gullible-ly following along with what they say. I like a man who takes care of his family, but I guess I go into overkill and end up landing the Momma's boys who cant say no as an answer. I thin I should just take a while off the dating scene and just work on me and my kids. God knows we need some me time. I'm not saying all men suck, just the ones I am apparently attracted to. To any men who might be reading this here's some advice: if you promise a girl you will take care of them DO IT, if you dont like kids dont date one with kids just to get a fuck. and if you really love someone don't let your momma kick them out because she doesn't like it. That is bullshit. Especially when they have kids. asshole.

Scared

I admit to being scared. I admit life is dirty and hard and the unknown of it all terrifies the shit out of me. I know I have to be a"big girl" now and take my life into my own hands. I was stupid and young and made a not so good choice in letting myself and my life be dictated by my husband. i never grew up and had to push back at the word and get jobs and lose them and see that there's no shame in that. I never got an education and struggled through school to fight and be proud of myself and my achievements. I worked at being a mother and a housewife and yes that is a job, but not one you can put on paper, and it doesn't build your resume. So now I am scared. I HAVE to fight. I HAVE to succeed. Or my whole world comes crumbling down. What are you scared of?

Big girls do cry

I miss my daughter. I miss the structure I used to have. I knew my life and the things I would do each day. There were not many surprises, I knew when to pay bills and that we would inevitably come up short at the end of the month. I knew that I would be miserable, but fed and that I would be with my children and I could read them bedtime stories or stay up late watching movies and eating popcorn. I knew that my Husband would not be there emotionally, or mentally. Possibly physically if he hadnt taken too far over his allotted medication and ended up in the bed asleep. I dont regret leaving, I regret not enjoying the time I had with my kids as much as I feel I should have. Now that chance is gone with My daughter. Now when I briefly see her I want to do nothing more than scoop her into my arms and hold her the whole time she is with me. I don't want to go back to my ex, but I crave the security of a sructured enviroment. I don't have that right now because I am scared. I am on my own, trying to make it. My car is dead and going to cost my twice what it's worth to fix, but I have no choice. I need my car to work, to eat, to pay rent. I need a job so I can feel like I am accomplishing something and to show my new guy that I can make it, that I am the strong woman he thinks I am. But inside I dont feel strong, I avoid doing things I know I need to do like getting medicaid and foodstamps because I am ashamed. I was so proud that I was finally off assistance when I got married. I had lived on welfare since I can remember, my mother was disabled and couldnt keep a job with her illnesses. I remember the shame I felt having to go apply even as a child. I don't want to feel that. my pride is eating into my budget, and I need to suck it up. But on top of that I haven't found my licence which I lost on my last trip to see my Bf's parents, I need it to do anything here I need to do. And with my car shit out on me i cant go get a new one since BF needs his car to work since it's raining too much to use the motorcycle. I just feel stuck in a whirlpool of shit right now. I feel like I don't wannt to move, I just want to curl up and cry into my pillow. But i know nothing will get done if I do that. I have to push back, even though Im tired, and depressed I have to find the strenght to push forward. Even though I ache to see my Daughter, I need to do the things I have to do to make the rest of my days hold together when she's not here.

With children

Divorce is always a bitter pill to swallow. You made a life with some one. Someone whom you cared deeply for at one time and took vows to be together, then something or a series of somethings changed all that.It's even harder with kids involved. once everything is said and done in court it gets a bit easier since there are schedules and days and structure that all parties have to follow. Before all that however it's tough. Especially when the other party uses your child as a bargaining chip or a tool to get back at you or dig under your skin. It's wrong and juvenile and sadly quite common, even in ex couples who swore they'd never do that to each other. What can we do in these circumstances? Honestly I don't know. I try to keep one foot forward and my head up. Knowing that my daughter doesn't truly hate me, that she does want to see me. Every time I see her and have visits I make the best of them and ignore the hurt when I have to give her back. But It still does get under my skin when he lies and says she doesn't want to call, or see me. Even though I talk to her and she always seems thrilled when she does get to talk. We just have to keep going. push the hurt away and know confidently that its just a lie to cause pain. And also to know that one day our children will be grown ups themselves and will see the right and wrong. They will make their own conscious choice whether and when to see us. And of course that one thing all parents must learn: patcience

Therapeudic, yes?

So wow that first blog post was a doozy. I can say I am much happier now that in the first month or so that I left. Granted I had a job then which was much better than NOT having one like now. But I do have someone who loves me and a house that is not my own but I pay rent for. Better than living off friends' couches and frozen taquidoes. The hardest part for me about divorce isn't the jobgetting. Though that sucks emmensely since there are few jobs and I have 0 skills other than childrearing and housewifery, but the letting go of responsibility for my child when she's with her father. The anxiety over is she eating properly, going to bed on time, seeing things she shouldn't at her age or getting the attention she needs. Up until now I have been ultimatly responsible for all of these things, therefore knowing what goes into her mouth and mind. Now I have to let go and hope that she's ok when she's out of my sight. Part of it is the maternal thing, but mostly it is I admit, a control issue. I like to be able to plan and know what's going on with my family and life so to plan for all possibilities I can. It's something I've had to work on all my adult life, this control anxiety. I hate not knowing whats going to happen. I fear the unknown.

Diary of a divorcee(1):Capt. Obvious

This Blog is suppossed to be a therapudic release for me. SOmewhere to get out my thoughts on this process without judgement or railing on and on to my friends who i'm sure have heard more than enough. What with the stalking and other crziness I've been through.
SO I'm not completely exactly divorced yet. There's the technical court stuff to wait for. Not anything that I can do to change/speed up that process. One thing I did learn from my process is to do it your damn self. Don't wait on the good graces of your ex partner. Especially if (s)he is anything like mine. I mean Christ I waited months on end for him to pick up socks off the floor, and I had to file his taxes or else they'd be late. Why did I really think I wouldn't be waiting on him for this. It took him three months of my saying "We're done" and " I'm through" for him to realize I was done and we WERE through. He had to "make" me say I want a divorce before he'd leave it alone. What crushes the soul is that he had the gall, even after all that to beg me to stay, and to say" We can separate but stay in the same house." It's not separate if you are together and its not together if you're still txting some girl behind my back when I caught you at it already.
I mean does it really matter semantically what words I say if they convey the meaning? I'd wager a guess that if under the duress of just finding out that your partner was word fucking some girl while You're in a sickbed You'd have a pain at saying a thing as brutal as " I want a divorce" after 11 years together. "I want to cut your throat out" seems a more likely choice of words in that circumstance. I always swore that if I had a change of heart I'd be mature and say "Hey, we're just not working out." And I did, I got a job at a strip club waitressing to save money to leave. A soul sucking degrading as hell job so that I Ironically could keep MY dignity and not tolerate the one thing I cannot tolerate. It happened in may, I did not leave until january 16th. I had to formulate a plan of action, I had one child by him and custody of my 11 yr. old brother. I couldnt just up and leave and live in my car with two kids.
I was a housewife for all of those 11 yrs. no job, never the right time for it, not a good enough job, not what he wanted me to do or the hrs. didn't work for him. A gilded cage if you will. I got married right out of high school, something that even then I begged other girls to never do. i knew it was a bad move, but I had a child with him and things were according to him going to work out just fine. And they did, for him. This girl was not the first or the first of our problems by any means. But it was my last straw.