Big girls do cry

I miss my daughter. I miss the structure I used to have. I knew my life and the things I would do each day. There were not many surprises, I knew when to pay bills and that we would inevitably come up short at the end of the month. I knew that I would be miserable, but fed and that I would be with my children and I could read them bedtime stories or stay up late watching movies and eating popcorn. I knew that my Husband would not be there emotionally, or mentally. Possibly physically if he hadnt taken too far over his allotted medication and ended up in the bed asleep. I dont regret leaving, I regret not enjoying the time I had with my kids as much as I feel I should have. Now that chance is gone with My daughter. Now when I briefly see her I want to do nothing more than scoop her into my arms and hold her the whole time she is with me. I don't want to go back to my ex, but I crave the security of a sructured enviroment. I don't have that right now because I am scared. I am on my own, trying to make it. My car is dead and going to cost my twice what it's worth to fix, but I have no choice. I need my car to work, to eat, to pay rent. I need a job so I can feel like I am accomplishing something and to show my new guy that I can make it, that I am the strong woman he thinks I am. But inside I dont feel strong, I avoid doing things I know I need to do like getting medicaid and foodstamps because I am ashamed. I was so proud that I was finally off assistance when I got married. I had lived on welfare since I can remember, my mother was disabled and couldnt keep a job with her illnesses. I remember the shame I felt having to go apply even as a child. I don't want to feel that. my pride is eating into my budget, and I need to suck it up. But on top of that I haven't found my licence which I lost on my last trip to see my Bf's parents, I need it to do anything here I need to do. And with my car shit out on me i cant go get a new one since BF needs his car to work since it's raining too much to use the motorcycle. I just feel stuck in a whirlpool of shit right now. I feel like I don't wannt to move, I just want to curl up and cry into my pillow. But i know nothing will get done if I do that. I have to push back, even though Im tired, and depressed I have to find the strenght to push forward. Even though I ache to see my Daughter, I need to do the things I have to do to make the rest of my days hold together when she's not here.